Unchecked consumption is killing me
I am jumping into linux. Again. And as I do, I am overwhelmed with ennui.
I'm done. I have so many things that I want to do, that I want to BE. All drained in honor of the sacred algorithm.
I have been glued into my phone at my free time. Social media. The usual.
It's not like I don't care. I just care too much that it actually hurts when I have the time to feel that care. Using the phone in that way helps with that.
Helps in that it doesn't hurt in the face. Not like that. It hurts, but in the deep. A burning sensation that makes me feel like I will break down ugly crying but not now. Like, there is definitively a container there called "ugly cry and desperation" but it's eternally at 1% so I don't feel actual ugly crying and desperation, just a shadow of it. (Fuck that's depression)
That's how it feels to wander the algorithm. Down yonder into the depths of information over consumption, I remained there, unworthy of the respectable being that I imagined I would be years before.
Unchecked consumption is not literally killing me. But it's bad enough that it's making me feel like I'm not living.
I had big dreams for this site. Well, not BIG big. All I wanted is to write things down and do my thing. I haven't done that. I'm doing it now. I don't know if I will be doing this tomorrow or later. I want to be the kind of person that has a blog, takes care of a garden, takes care of an actual garden, takes care of it's hobbies, is a functional member of society and it's community, and also sleeps well. I'm not. I know what is stopping me. (Prioritize sleeps well)
I'm quitting cold turkey. Because of that I'm installing something hard like Arch or NixOS just so I'm too busy ricing my distro and reading the arch wiki for me to actually feel ugly cry and desperation. To give me something to do instead of endlessly scrolling.
Who knows. I'm not naive enough to think that changing focus will make the problem magically go away. But I sure hope that I can work on them now that I can start noticing.
Also. Take care of your sleep.