At the lack of hope, follow curiosity, maybe
I recently found out that I don't live life in the assumption that things will get better. I have no hope for a better future or for a meaningful change for the better. Why is that? And what can I do?
I promise this post is not edgy depressing "the world makes no sense" (oh no, what a surprise). It's more of a "wow, I just found out something is missing".
And that's the thing. Hope. Hope. I have taken for granted that there is hope in my life. I guess it makes sense because, it's hope. It's the power of friendship. It's love. It's literally the thing. Hope. That thing which is the main topic of like 80% of all media and culture. Besides asking why are we here and why do we suffer, all major religions have something to say about hope. It's in every figment of our daily culture in the background. Of course, I have taken it for granted. It's background noise.
Recently I'm going through a very... transformative time. Interesting times in my country. And all the words on hope fall flat into the ground this moment. It's easy to say that things get better, that things change, that we have to hope for a better future. But it's very very hard to truly believe any of that when the ground is about to fall. I just didn't have the mental muscle to move my focus into that direction yet, to finally make the connection "hey, isn't it weird that I don't expect for things to improve?"
Why? Why am I like this?
More important than that right now. I'm an adult. I know. I can blame this on my parents and on the world around me from when I was a kid. Because I have plenty of reasons to do so. I have been wronged in many levels. And I won't pull the card of "but everyone has been wronged at some point in their life!", "you went through nothing really", or take any position that diminishes what I went through. Not this time. It was bad, not traumatizing, but like some levels below that. End of story.
And that's the thing. It was bad. I'm not prepared to do any of this. But here I am. I'm the one left to fix this. I can get help. Recently my parents have been helping a lot, god bless them. And I have my brother, whom I trust. I have where to fall back, thankfully. But in the end, I'm left to put myself together.
I have to step up and I feel like I won't be able to unless I have hope, the worst thing in the box that makes all the other things bearable.
I feel like my actions have no impact in the world around me. Better put, I feel like there is no reward, or reaction, to really trying. I have been put in situations where no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't enough. People always told me that I didn't really try. Maybe that was true, but I also remember really trying and things didn't change (Also, I was diagnosed in adulthood with ADHD, so...)
And I think that this, the belief that your actions have consequences in the world around, is a requirement for hope. How would I have hope for a better future, if my hope is supposed to rely on the world around me? Have you looked outside? I have to rely my hope on me. That I will be able to get by. But I don't get that because I lack this one requirement. I guess this is self confidence.
And I cannot just magic this out of thin air. I heard some people can fake it until they make it. I can't. I tried many many times and I just, don't.
Today I drew something, after a long while. I like crosshatching mountains and clouds. Specially clouds. And mountains. It's my safe drawing(?). The thing I draw when I just cannot for the love of god draw anything. One of those days.
Today I made it harder. I tried to add more texture to the mountain and the clouds. And to draw only the shadows. And finally to draw only the negative space. I didn't finish most of these, but then I got paraedolia with some of these things and completed them into other things. Then threw them away.
And, it was fun. It's the first time I remember in a long while having this kind of fun while drawing. I have been so focused on the fundamentals and in trying to improve my drawings, that I forgot to have fun while drawing.
If I had to guess, I guess this fun comes from finding out. Messing around with something and finding out what that does what. Of having curiosity and satiating it when finding out where it leads you. Beginner curiosity. I'm, like, objectively a beginner, but I never felt that way. I have a taste way more developed than my skill, because I follow a lot of art. So it feels more like constant failure rather than constant sketches. I know it's an unfair comparison, but it's automatic, some of it gets through.
These drawings sketches I made, are all a mess. They are sketches! They were never intended to be anything more than something to loosen up the grip. But instead of drawing in circles, I tried with the mountains and the clouds. I think what helped is that I drew those in post-it notes. Literally ready on the go to be thrown away. No expectations of quality.
My point is. I don't know how I will end up getting hope. Or how it will end up being, or manifesting, in me. But I'm now sure that curiosity without quality control is at least pointing me SOMEWHERE. I don't know exactly how am I supposed to create this feeling again, or how to cultivate it. Sketching on ready-to-throw-away notes helps lowering expectations, so that helps. And it seems important to lower expectations to leave space for curiosity to grow. And following curiosity leads into finding out. My guess is that constantly finding out will eventually lead into having the confidence to be able to grow hope in me.
Or not. I will figure it out eventually.